top 10

Well...I obviously didn't keep up with this blog. I know it's too late to salvage this part of my grade, but for the maybe one person who still checks this blog, I'm going to share with you part of my final. The assignment was to take the top 10 meaningful things you will take from the class. So here's my list!

1. Family systems theory: It was so interesting to map out my family system and learn how to look at it in such a way as to draw conclusions from it. Especially in mapping my family systems and the different kinds of boundaries, I learned a lot about the way I communicate with different members of my family and things I might need to do to have better relationships with some of them.

2. Genograms: I had never seen this method of branching a family tree, but I think it’s just the greatest! With all the different components of indicating male, female, age, death, etc., it really opened my eyes to some interesting patterns throughout several generations that I had never seen before and probably would never have noticed otherwise.

3. Effects of cohabitation: I have a really good friend who claims to be 100% against marriage, citing many different reasons why cohabitation is “better” than getting married. Until I took this class, I thought his logic was valid, though extremely skewed. When we learned that people who cohabitate have higher divorce rates, more substance abuse, less satisfying sex, etc., I was glad to know that I could have a valid, educated argument against that.

4. Communication: There were two things Brother Williams said that really stuck with me. One was, “Words are like bullets: once they leave the barrel, all you can do is first aid,” and the other was, “Pick your battles. Choose very carefully even the things you will discuss.” I’m not married yet, but this class has begun to teach me how vital good communication is and I think these are two really important tips to being sensitive while communicating with a spouse.

5. Attraction: This one might seem like kind of a stretch, but I thought it was really interesting when we learned about non-specific autonomic arousal. About how the chemical our brains produce when we are attracted to someone is the same as when we are scared. So, like the example we talked about in class, when we watch a scary movie with someone, we are more attracted to that person when we are scared. I think this is important to realize, especially as I’m dating and will  get married, to be able to discern between those feelings.

6. Family crisis: I love that we learned that, in Japanese (Chinese?), the symbol for “crisis” is “danger” and “opportunity” together. It’s true that in a crisis, our families can be put in danger, but there is also great opportunity for growth as we go through challenges and emerge stronger because of them.

7. You can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need can never satisfy you: This was a really powerful quote to me and I think that it’s a vital thing for everyone to understand. There are things in our life that may not be good for us, yet out of habit or desire, we seek them out anyway. No matter how much of these things we acquire, it will never be enough—because these things don’t fulfill us or do anything to benefit our spirit.

8. Unmet needs: it was fascinating for me to learn that when children act out, for every kind of misbehavior, there is an essential need that is not being met. This is going to be one of the most important things I will take from this class, I think. Talking with my mom about it, she feels she kind of reached the same conclusions, but she did it over many years through trial and error. Even though I know it will still take time to learn, I’m glad I have some knowledge of this concept ahead of time!

9. Courtship/dating: I was really interested in the different models of dating, this unit got me thinking a lot about the relationships I’ve had, and which model they followed. I liked the guidelines that we set out for what constitutes a “real date” (planned, paired off, and paid for by the guy). I thought it was great when Brother Williams said, “ The patterns you set in dating set precedents for marriage. Dating, going on dates, is fundamental.” I think more of the boys here at BYU-I should take this class. Kidding! Ok, not kidding.

10. No girl/guy nights: This is kind of a big thing here at BYU-Idaho. I’ve heard my roommates and friends talk to their married friends on several occasions saying things like, “Oh ditch your husband Friday night so we can have a girls night!” And the married person responding really positively to this—I’ve also heard the same thing happen with boys, on occasion. We learned in class that there is no purpose for this, except to perpetuate the single lifestyle we had before getting married, and that it creates a rift in relationships. It made me realize how important date nights are and spending real, quality time with your spouse.

dating

This week we talked about dating: everyone's favorite subject at BYU-Idaho.

We learned that there are three "models" of dating.

1. Hang out, make out, drop out

2. Date 'em till you hate 'em

3. Dating and courtship

About two and a half years ago I started a relationship following model #3. A year later, when it ended and I was trying to cheer myself up, one of the things I told myself was that I knew what I was looking for in future partners and that the bar was set really high. And then for some reason, in the past year, all but one of the guys I've dated have followed either models 1 or 2. I'm not really sure why that is, but talking this week about dating and everything...really strengthened my resolve to hold out for the model #3 guys.

expectations

This week we were talking a lot about gender roles, leading up to friday when we talked about same gender attraction. 

We watched a video in class where a mother said something to the effect of, "From the time my son was three years old, I knew he was gay."

EXCUSE ME?

That is the same as saying, "From the time my son was three years old, I knew he was sexually attracted to other men."

Yeah, it's that ridiculous.

Because he showed some tendencies we equate with girls, ones that are more feminine, she expected her son to be gay. From the time he was three she treated him like he was gay, so that's how he grew up.

Think about the power that has:

If we expect something of our children from the time they are young, whether it be to be honest or get straight A's, or be a star athlete, and then treat them like that as we raise them, how more likely are they to develop desirable traits?

mothers

This week in class, we were talking about genograms, which are a way to branch your family tree and to help see patterns.

I've always known I was a carbon copy of my mom, and very similar to my grandma. Here were the similarities that popped into my head between the three of us that I jotted down in class:

Mom and Grandma

The way they say the word "him"

Me, Mom, and Grandma

not being able to do dishes/clean the kitchen without a towel over our shoulder

*Grandma used to tell me the story of how, when I was about two or three, she asked me to help do dishes or cook or something and I said, "Just a minute Grandma," and grabbed a towel, threw it over my shoulder, and said, "Okay Grandma, I'm ready!"

Me and Mom

Look exactly the same. Always have. (see the very first picture on this post or subsequent pictures if you have doubts)
Worlds biggest worriers

So I was thinking about the unconscious attributes, the parts of my character and personality, that I learned from my mom. And then I started thinking about an excerpt from Elder Maxwell's book "Things as They Really Are," where he tells us that our entity/intelligence/essence has been the same since the premortal existence and how part of our mortal character is derived from what we learned before we came to this world.

As I thought about the things I have learned from my mother in my 20 (relatively) short years with her, I kind of got a little choked up as I wondered to myself what attributes I have that I inherited from my Heavenly Mother. I thought to some of the things from my patriarchal blessing, "a great capacity to love," "desire to serve others"...things like that. I choose to believe those are the things I got from Her. The best parts about me.

family boundaries

This week in class we talked a lot about family boundaries--what they are and how they differ. Boundaries in this case refers to a kind of relationship. We learned that there are three different kinds:

Permeable: ones that are more connected, have more communication than may be appropriate. Think overprotective mother. {Represented by a dotted line}

Clear: Appropriate amounts of communication. {Represented by a dashed line}

Rigid: Not enough communication. {Represented by a solid line}

For one of our assignments we had to map our family boundaries with each member of our family. To do this I had to think in depth about the kind of communication I have with everyone in my family and it was really interesting. I'm not going to share on here what those boundaries were, because some of them made me kind of sad. But looking at it made me resolve to be better, to try and get closer to my family members and communicate, stay in touch with them better. 

It might be interesting to try and map YOUR family boundaries and see if there are places where you can improve?

an interesting statistic

As I was reading this week from our textbook, the chapter was called "The Context of Intimacy." It was talking about cohabitation, delayed marriage and the reasons for it, birth rates, household size...things like that. 

The paragraph about birth rates I thought was really interesting. I'm going to post the whole thing, it's pretty short. It says:

As a result of later marriages, delayed first births, and an increasing number of childless marriages, the birth rate declined considerably from the 1950's, though it leveled off after 1995.  In 2005, the rate was 14.0 births per 1,000 women aged 15 to 44 years, a little more than half of what is was in 1954 and less than half of what is was in 1910. In fact, the rate is now lower that what is necessary for the natural replacement of the population. Without immigration, the U.S. population will eventually decline if birth rates remain at the present low level.

Yes, I bolded, underlined, and italicized that last part because it is INSANE! I remember having a teacher in high school who would tell us that the world is overpopulated and that people need to stop having children.

(to which I would reply, under my breath, "i'm going to have babies. Lots and lots of babies." Yeah, he loved me)

But then it also reminded me of last year when elder Russel M. Nelson gave a talk here in Rexburg and told us something along the lines of (I searched for it in my journal, I KNOW I took notes, but i couldn't find the entry so I'll paraphrase): 

"If you took every person in the entire world, and gave them each an acre (it might have been a square mile or some other unit of measurement) to live on, they would fill up 80% of Chile (or it may or may not have been Brazil)."

And that's it! 

It's times like these when I realize how much Satan wants to attack the family as a unit. He knows that we will be unhappy and more susceptible to follow him when we are alone, so that's what he convinces the world that it is the "right" thing to do. 

Welcome!

Welcome to my family relations blog! Throughout the semester I will be posting things I learn in my family relations class that I think are interesting and have an impact on me. I invite anyone feels so inclined to comment to do so! Thanks, you'll hear from me again soon!

Hailee